RULES TO LIVE BY

Being a guy is really pretty simple. There are only a few hard and fast rules that guys have to follow 100% of the time. Here's a good start:

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

3. When you are questioned by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up sleeping with her, your pal is forbidden to speak of it.

6. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

7. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

8. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; as he, in return is required to grant it.

HERE ARE A FEW RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW ...

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

2. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

3. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

4. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

5. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

6. Check your oil! Please.

7. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

8. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

11. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Deal with it.